Because I didn’t want to see that aspect of myself that was still a child that I hated I decided to create my ego structure in a while that was very rigid and very strict and so any Thing that fell outside of the range of how I wanted to be perceived and how I watched my ego to be well that was a danger to me and so I would repress it right away, using all kin(s of self deception just trying to myself constantly and not knowing that I was lying to myself and so essentially what I did want my really rigid ego structure was that I’ve painted my consciousness to a corner and I had given myself so few options for how to see myself and for Joe to be and anytime that I want seeing myself with 100% optimization where I could see myself in just the particular way, it was feeling if self hatred would crop up again and I would feel so terrible about myself because I want able to match up this particular state that I had.
So when I was a teenager I was someone who had a really strong ego structure especially for my age, because I was able to cope very well with the situation that life has handed to me. But at the same time I had no knowledge of anything beyond what i was doing and what I had identified myself as, there was nonsense that I had a shadow or that there was anything else going on underneath my ego, I thought essentially what I an is what I perceive myself as and the moment that I think something about myself, well that most be true because I thought it so of course I know, but I didn’t know and underneath the ego there was so much more going on that I didn’t realize that was there, the shadow and then there was the self then there was this two experience of the ego transcendence both of which were very different experience and I’m going to focus more on the second experience when I talk because that one was for more insightful the first one was very much about like a correction to everything out in nature but perhaps too many insights come up and I did have some but the second one was really just the matter loath of insights coming up,
so the first what would happen was there was an unceremonious dropping away of the self concept and so I had laboured and laboured to create this self concept that was just this particular way and I had carried around and I was the stewards of this self concept because I really had to sacrifice a lot of things for it, and to just try to make it contain it, it was a struggle and I didn’t even realize it was a struggle, but then when it dropped away I realized how much of a relief it was to let go of that burden because I no longer had to carry around that self concept, I just realized that the self concept wasn’t really had anything to do with me, so this self concept wasn’t really had anything to do with me, so this self conscious that I’ve being talking about me was just a collection of thoughts then because I had the ego all the traits that I have repressed away to protect that ego structure and to keep it from being undermined all those things that I had ignored over the years to just effortlessly bubble back up into the field of consciousness to just effortlessly bubble back up into the field of consciousness.
That’s one thing that I found out about the psyche at that Point is that every aspect of the psyche is always trying to come up. And become conscious and its only just our barrier to our awareness that actually stopped it from covering up, so the biggest barrier of course is our ego, do our ego keeps us from becoming conscious of those aspects of ourselves that are underneath the surface and what really helped with was because I lost my ability for a self deception like with the ego I was able to rationalize things sway and convince myself that things were a were that were not, but without the ego I had no need to do that and it was really clear and plain as day when I was lying to myself and it was that deep wisdom of the self just knew and so it was actively clear to me when I was crying and when I was taking it about myself then it must be true I had no idea that I could even lie to myself about the content of my psyche, because I believed myself but it was one of the biggest snickers when I got myself back with the psyche and didn’t have ego there was OMG,
I was lying to myself like once a while and I haven’t being realizing it, Ive just being engaging it and these thought process and assumed that I was telling the truth and because of this clarity and because of this fact that the ego didn’t need to be protected it was like face that the ego didn’t need to be protected it was like my awareness really labored out and I called it at that time of ticking my thoughts out of my head cause it felt like my thoughts went from small to large.